By writing down what touches us, we reflect at the same time.But the pain we were left with never truly fades.We only learn how to live with it.
During an online search about what topics women want to talk about, one stood out clearly:
Intrusive obsessive thoughts during and or after pregnancy.
This is one of the most terrifying and alien feelings a woman can experience—especially at a time when she is expecting a new life or has just given birth. These thoughts appear suddenly and unexpectedly.
They are triggered by hormones, which already have a massive impact on the daily lives of many women—especially during the monthly cycle: severe abdominal pain, migraines, swollen joints due to water retention, depressive mood swings, and overall discomfort. And as if the hormonal torment over the years wasn’t enough, menopause eventually arrives (a topic of its own).
Intrusive obsessive thoughts during pregnancy are suffocating, invasive, and feel externally controlled. They suggest that you cannot touch your child. You’re gripped by the fear of doing something terrible to your baby. These thoughts affect your whole daily life—perhaps even your entire life. The joy of the newborn is suppressed, replaced by physical and emotional distance.
A personal letter from a woman who experienced this feeling in all three of her pregnancies
First pregnancy
During my first pregnancy, I was still part of a generation where you didn’t speak about such feelings. It was almost 40 years ago, and I didn’t tell anyone during the first two pregnancies.
Back then, I went to a library and looked for answers in the psychology section. When I finally found something on the topic, my heart pounded with every word I read, and I could hardly breathe: in the 1950s and 60s, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) was used to treat obsessive thoughts. Many women died during these treatments or their children were taken away from them.
This ugly, alien feeling made me angry and exhausted me. I knew it didn’t come from within me. I thought it might have been caused by the abuse I suffered in childhood—and strangely, that thought gave me some comfort. These „thought-comforters“ floated constantly in my mind, and combined with the demands of being a mother to a newborn, it was utterly draining.
I had never spoken about the abuse. Everything remained unprocessed. In my family, it was forbidden to talk about such things. I felt ashamed and envied friends who had loving parents—I had never known that. Maybe that’s why my soul became so blocked.
This daily internal battle, combined with my situation as a single mother, robbed me of any joy in life. I just wanted the birth to be over, hoping the hormones would stabilize and the dreadful feeling would disappear. I kept myself constantly busy to be tired at night—I didn’t want to be alone. But the feeling lingered even after the birth and deeply damaged my self-esteem.
I didn’t feel worthy of being a mother. I believed my child deserved someone better than me, and I even looked for foster parents—all because of this feeling. Many people couldn’t understand, especially since I had fought so hard for my child. I cried for months from longing.
Second pregnancy
This time, the feelings appeared after the birth. I didn’t want to lose my second child to this feeling again. I told my general practitioner about the intense anxiety, about the tightness in my chest and the breathlessness—but not about the intrusive thoughts.
She said it sounded like panic attacks, prescribed a mild medication, and referred me to a neurologist.
I only told the neurologist and psychologist fragments—out of fear that I’d be committed or lose my child (because of what I had read years ago in the library).
Medication, therapy, constant struggle: every time the feeling returned, it took immense strength. I always needed someone to be with me, and even with medication, when the feeling came, I had to keep physical distance from my child.
Third pregnancy
In the third pregnancy, the feelings returned early—and strongly. They stayed with me after the birth, during the postpartum period. I cried constantly. Despite all the past therapies, I wasn’t making any progress. Finally, in tears, I opened up to my gynecologist:
„I think you have to lock me up… This horrible feeling was in my first 2 pregnancies and now it is back yet I can assure you I am not this feeling—I love my child… Why is it happening? Why does it want to hurt my baby? I’m not this monster…“
My gynecologist looked at me with warmth and replied gently:
„You are not this monster, and you can be helped.“
Those words were both a relief and deeply sad—sad because this feeling had controlled my life so completely, leading me to make choices I never would have made without it.
This feeling shaped my entire being and life path. The strength it took to push it aside each time was immense—life-exhausting.
Today, I am free from it. After a complete hysterectomy and the onset of menopause, I finally learned to understand myself—and I can now love my children in a completely new way.
To this day, I haven’t told my first child why I made certain decisions—and no one else knows either. Still out of fear…
But this space is anonymous. So now, I let go—and share my story.
I hope my words give other women strength.
Talk about it and don’t be afraid to seek help!!